Haddie,

We met a friend for brunch.  She brought her grand baby with her and Elo loved making her smile.  Elo walked up to my friend and said, “Your baby has little hair just like our Haddie.  Haddie died.”

After our brunch we got in the car and headed to another friend’s house (it was a busy day!).  Elo asked me what my wish was.  I of course immediately wanted to say I wished for you.  But I didn’t because I didn’t always want Elo to think I only think of you and only want you so I said, “I wish to go on vacation.”  I then I asked her what she wished for and she said, “I wish Haddie would come down from heaven.” It brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.  She was thinking about you.  You are in her heart always.

Most of the time I feel very alone.  I have amazing friends that walk this journey with me, but they can’t take on my pain, nor would I want them too.  Many times I feel that this life is so hard.  There are times I wake up bawling.  There are times I can’t leave the couch.  Your Daddy has lived through this tragedy with me and experiences this pain too.  But Daddies handle it so much different than Mommies.  It doesn’t mean he doesn’t ache for you.  Sometimes it does seem that life isn’t hard for him.  I think he keeps himself busy because he is in pain.  He is very handy and always has a project going on.  He has always been like this but since you have left us he has even more.  I have recently come to the conclusion that it is how he deals with his grief.  But because we do this so differently I find myself feeling very very alone in my grief for you.  I lost a huge part of my heart when you died, but more and more I feel like I have also lost a huge part of my mind.  I feel crazy and out of control most days.  I feel out of place a lot and not really knowing my place anymore.

As you know I have had a lot of anxiety about having a new baby.  What does that mean for our family?  Are we starting a new life with out you?  Are people relieved to have something else to talk about with us?  Well someone sent me a quote yesterday that describes the situation for me almost perfectly.

For those of you who don’t know about rainbow babies:
“A rainbow baby is a blessing given to a family after losing a baby in any way. It’s the promise of hope and new life, second chances and a new beginning.”

“Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.”

“A family who has conceived after losing a child will never forget that child, but rather, will appreciate their children even more because they understand the deep pain of loss.”
(quoted from: http://likemommade.blogspot.com/2011/08/rainbow-baby.html)

In other news I have been trying my hand at sewing and actually made some pants that resemble pants!  I’m so proud.

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I have also started wondering what this brother of yours will look like, how much he will weigh, and how labor will go.

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So this is Eloise and you when you were born.  You guys were different in almost every way!  You were a whole pound bigger than Elo, and my body could tell! So I am hoping brother will be your size or smaller.

 

Love you Hads,

Mama