Dear Haddie Bo Bo,

A broken heart is the worst, torturous, pain I have ever felt.  Knowing that the pain will always be there and never leave is so daunting.  Summer is slowly slipping away and it has me anxious.  The changing of the season is one of the many events that remind me that this life goes on no matter how much I fight it.  

I am an honest, heart on my sleeve type person, and I don’t do small talk.  I am finding that the more people ask me “How I am doing” I find myself in the position that I have to lie.  There have been plenty of times in the last few weeks where I try so hard to explain how I feel only to be judged or almost accused of doing things the wrong way.  Each moment of everyday is different and comes with a wide range of emotions.  Most days I feel like I am on the edge of losing it.  I am not asking for people to understand how I am feeling but just to accept it with out judgement.

Your sister had her first day of 3 year old preschool.  I was so proud of her and she is such a big girl.  She walked right in and started playing, I had to chase after her to say goodbye.

After I spied on her for a good 30 minutes and I left.  Your Daddy and I met for lunch and only then did I cry.  I will never send you to preschool and watch you run into your classroom.  Although I think you would be a little more reluctant to leave me.  I probably would have to walk you into your teacher and stay with you until you warmed up.  Haddie, I think about all of the things we won’t do with you and I am angry.  My anger grows by the day and I hate that.  I hate that I am angry.   
Your Grandma made me a teddy bear made out of one of your outfits.  It now has a permanent place in my bed and the first night I slept with it was the best nights sleep I have had since you were gone.  It laid next to me in my arms just like you used to after you woke me up to nurse.  Those moments seem so long ago.  I love you baby.  
Love,
Mama