Haddie Bo Bo,
A few months after you passed away I learn about a non-profit called Molly Bears. They make special teddy bears that are the exact weight of your baby that passed away up to 14 lbs. I immediately signed up to get a bear, but there was a 5 month waiting list. When you past you were over the 14 lbs mark so I chose my bear to be made 8 lbs 6 oz which is how much you weighed when you were born. I told them your color was a pretty beachy-teal-turquise-ish blue.
So here I am 5 or so months later and I get a package delivered to my door. It was my Molly bear that I had ordered months ago. As soon as I picked the package up off my porch I was already starting to cry. Today is also the day that you turned 20 months. 20 months…I try so hard to picture what you would look like. I pretend to hear your voice and wonder what words you would be saying. But honestly I can’t, and I HATE that, despise it really. Well today on your birthday I got to hold you again and it was a gift. I pulled my bear out of the box and held it on my chest like I did the day you were born. I carried the bear around the kitchen like I did when I brought you home from the hospital. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel crazy most of the time. Crazy is my new normal. But it was so nice to hold you on a day that we remember your birth.
Molly Bears decorates your bear with some simple descriptions that you offer. But the only thing I said was your color. So my bear arrived with a pretty rose bow on her head. It is very similar, if not the same, to the bow that you wore when you were born in the hospital.
I can’t explain in words what this did for my spirit today. I miss you so much. It was good to hold you, and feel your weight in my arms again.
My love for you know no bounds, and my ache for you is endless.