Haddie Bo Bo,

I often wrestle with Heaven.  For as long as I can remember I believed in Heaven and Hell.  I used to believe that when we went to heaven we would spend all day praising God.  Which meant on our knees…all day.  Yes I want to praise God in everything that I do but I don’t think that means being on our knees all day.  Since then there has been all sorts of books and movies that have come out about heaven and what it is like.  It has opened up all new discussions about what heaven could be like.

Since loosing you I find that I think about heaven a lot.  I think about what it will be like.  If I will see you again.  If you will recognize me.  Will we spend time together?  Will you be a baby or will you be who God intended you to be?  Sometimes I get angry that you are in heaven.  You should be here with us.  You were 9 months old you belong here.  All your needs are met in heaven and you don’t need me.  I really get angry when I think about this.  I feel robbed of getting the chance to be your mother.  You don’t need a mother in heaven.  Sometimes I wonder if I truly believe that there is a heaven.  Or is this something I tell myself to make me feel better about what happened?

I was speaking with a close friend about all of these crazy thoughts that run through my mind daily.  She said to me, “I am sure we won’t be disappointed.”  I really hope that’s true and I have been holding on to that.  Because right now in this life I am living here on earth I am disappointed.  I feel let down.  I know God didn’t promise us a life that is easy without hardships.  I know that many people suffer worse than me everyday.  But I do suffer too.  Everyday our family hurts without you baby girl.  The day I will see you again seems so far away and I don’t know how I will do it until then.

Some sent this verse to me the day of your funeral and I cling to this verse often. 

I put a new picture of you on my phone as my “lock screen”.  Eloise saw it the other day and said, “That’s Haddie Bo Bo, she’s happy again.”  It makes me wonder what she thinks about you.  We always try to talk about you in a positive way in front of Eloise.  We say things like, “Haddie would have loved that.”  Or we say, “Do your remember when Haddie bit your bottom. She loved you.”  But after she said that she started singing, “Haddie Bo Bo I miss her. Haddie Bo Bo, Haddie Bo Bo.”  Over and over again.  

This is the picture Elo saw

You are missed by everyone.  There is a hole in our family that will NEVER be filled.  I will always save that spot for you.

Love you,