Haddie Bo Bo,

Your sister amazes me everyday.  She is getting so big and I love every minute of being her mom.  She brings me so much joy and I love how she remembers you and loves you.  Yesterday she was getting up from her nap and I could hear her talking to your Daddy.  She was saying, ‘I want my “Haddie bear”.  This is the teddy bear she got from CPS the day you died.  It’s crazy to me that she connects that bear to you.  I have never referred to it as a “Haddie Bear”.  She then started saying, “My Haddie came back to me.”  I think she must have had a dream about you.  It was so precious to hear her talk about you.  Of course I always think about the sadness that comes along with that.  It’s sad that she has to dream about you.  You should be here with her, playing with her, not in a dream.

Today I was driving her in the car to a friends house.  She asked if I could put her window down, so I did.  She then said, “Haddie’s window too.”  In her mind that spot in the car is still yours.  Your bedroom is still, “Haddie room”.  If I try to give her a cup that you used she says, “Haddie cup”.  It’s heart warming and heart breaking at the same time.  

When I think about the loss of you for Eloise I get so pissed.  It’s so not fair.  Eloise is so young and I wonder how much she does know what’s going on.  Will she need counseling someday?  Will she actually have memories of you?  Bubble Guppies is Elo’s favorite show and this one episode they are playing with tools.  Each tool they showed has a fun noise that went along with it.  So a saw went zip zip zip.  A hammer went bam bam bam.  So we used to play this game with you.  We would grab your feet and move your legs back and forth like a saw and say zip zip zip zip.  Then we would grab your feet and move them up and down like a hammer and say bam bam bam bam.  You loved it and giggled up a storm and Elo loved doing it too.  She would always say, “My turn, Hads.”

The last sister moment I remember of you two together was Sunday night before you died.  We were watching the movie Rio as a family and eating ice cream.  Eloise was feeding you ice cream like the amazing big sister she is.   When she thought you had enough she took the bowl and said, “Here Mama, Haddie no more.”

We love you baby girl.


Mama and Elo Belo