Grief is a monster

Haddie Bo Bo,

Grief is a monster. A crazy monster that shows up with no warning. It can be disguised as many different emotions and has no concept of time and it really doesn’t care if it is an inconvenience. Today I was supposed to accompany Eloise on her first field trip to Klackles Apple Orchard. Her preschool class usually meets in the afternoon but our field trip was in the morning. Since you have been gone mornings are hard. It’s hard to get out of bed and be motivated. So I decided that if we were up and ready to go then we would go to the field trip. If we weren’t I wasn’t going to force it. This morning came and we were up and ready to go…20 minutes late but recently that is on time for us. We headed out and arrived right as everyone was getting on the wagon to go pick apples…perfect timing! Since this was our first field trip I didn’t know what to expect. There were a lot more people than I thought there was going to be. We rode quietly to the apple trees. When the wagon stopped we all got up and lined up to get off. Elo’s teacher looked at me and gave me a side hug and asked, “Is everything ok?”

I responded with a smile, “Yes.” Because I thought everything was ok.

We got off the wagon and everyone went their own ways. I didn’t realize that everything was not ok until I was asked if everything was ok. Elo and I headed our own way and I started to cry and cry. I don’t know what it was there was nothing that I can point to and say “this is hard”. We go on with life and we try to make the most of every moment, but no, life it not ok.

I have found that grief can make me feel like I can conquer the world. It can make me fearless and brave. I could jump out of an airplane or take on an illness (not that we are asking for one). Having lost a child it makes me feel like nothing else compares. I have experienced the greatest pain, I have lived through my worst fear. I saw you in a little casket, I held your cold body, I closed your casket knowing I would never see your face again. On that same note grief can also make me feel completely powerless. I can do nothing to change this situation, I can’t bring you back, I can’t fix this. I couldn’t save you. Somedays/moments I am so motivated to make a change, tell your story, save the world! Other days/moments I am completely paralyzed by my grief.

Just because I had a moment on the field trip where I was paralyzed by my grief does not mean it wasn’t fun. We had a blast! We picked apples, picked out pumpkins, and ate the most delicious donuts. When Eloise and I got home we painted our pumpkins and painted each other’s faces. Eloise was disappointed there wasn’t face painting at the orchard so we did our own.