Haddie Bo Bo,
One of my morning routines this past year was to check #Timehop while I was still in bed. Many times I got to see your beautiful face and see what we were doing this time last year. It was bittersweet as you can imagine. Sometimes it left me sobbing and other times with a smile. Since June 2nd has passed I still get up and check #Timehop. But there is no sign of you. Because you are gone. I do get the occasional picture that reminds me of the sad parts. Today last year your Daddy and I got tattoos to honor you. It’s funny how enduring the loss of child will make you feel like doing extreme things. For me getting a tattoo is not an extreme thing, but for your Daddy it was. Before you passed I used to follow another’s mom’s blog who lost a child. She always did extreme things and she said it would make her feel alive. She ran a 26.2 marathon without training for it. She hiked a mountain when it was 115 degrees outside. I remember reading these posts and grieving for her but now I understand that on a whole new level. Nothing compares to the pain I feel in my heart. Nothing scares me anymore, other than losing another child.
This past weekend I took Elo to visit Aunt Rachel and Evie in Chicago. It was our first of many mother/daughter girls trips. We did our first visit to the American Girl Doll store and spent our first small fortune there. We swam on the rooftop pool and watched all the people at the beach below. We walked to the donut shop, and then to the park. Mama waddled more than walked and Aunt Rachel was very patient with my slow walking. Then there was the fighting. Elo and Evie are both very strong-willed 2 1/2 and 3 year olds. I personally think that is a fantastic personality trait for a girl, but it is very very hard to parent. We had moments of calmness between the raging storms. It was a great weekend. But as soon as I stepped foot in our house I knew I was sad and I knew why. You should have been on this girls trip. Honestly, I don’t know if I would have taken you on this trip or left you at home with Daddy, but knowing that I didn’t even have the choice sucked. You should have been adding to the chaos or welcoming us home. Either way it’s just wrong.
In other news the Every Child Wakes Up 5K is coming along! We have a great t-shirt design and a few sponsors on board. I am really excited to put on this event. I wanted to do it around your birthday to celebrate your life, but the timing didn’t really work out. September is Safe Sleep Awareness Month and everyone is back from summer vacation. So it just made sense to do it in September.
Please head over to https://runsignup.com/Race/Holland/MI/EveryChildWakesUp5K to sign up!!
We miss you Hads. ds
Love,
Mama
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