Haddie Bo Bo,
You are missed every moment of every day. This week has been a very busy week. I am undecided on what is better, being at home and overwhelmed with thoughts of you. So overwhelmed that I cry and scream. Or being so busy that I don’t have time to think about you. Today we got home from a busy day at the lake and as soon as I sat down on the couch I started to cry and didn’t stop for 45 minutes. There is no escaping this grief. No matter if I sit and let it overcome me or if I am so busy that I don’t let myself feel it.
Grief sometimes makes me feel like I am losing my mind. I think crazy thoughts. Sometimes I can’t even explain them, but I will try. Even though I held your cold body, closed your casket, and have your ashes on a shelf, I have a hard time believing you are gone. Forever gone. There are times I wonder if you will come back. If we have another baby will it be you? Why can’t you come back? If I believe in God, pray enough, cry enough, will you come back? Sometimes I pray fervently through the day that God comes and takes us now! This minute! My emotions can go from happy to screaming in seconds. None of it makes sense. I don’t make sense anymore. Sometimes I function normally and no one would know. Other times I can barely form a sentence.
I am not alone. I have your sassy, spicy sister, your Daddy, many framily that love me. They would all drop anything to answer my call, or sit with me. But I do FEEL alone. Your Daddy and I talked about it the other day that no matter how amazing our friends are they can’t truly understand how we feel. I hope they never understand. But even though your Daddy has experienced this same loss sometimes I feel like even he doesn’t understand how I feel as a mother. As a Daddy he feels all sorts of things that I can’t understand and as a mother I feel things he doesn’t understand. He will be the first to admit that you were just starting to get to the age where he was bonding with you. Up until now I took care of you mostly and Daddy took care of Eloise. There was a Daddy kid and a Mama kid. It was you and me. I never complained about you waking me up anywhere from 5:30-7am. I loved it baby. It was our time to cuddle in bed. No one else was awake it was our special time. Sometimes you went back to sleep in my arms and others we played in bed. Two weeks before you passed your Daddy and I went on a cruise. It was so hard to be away from you, and looking back I wish we didn’t leave you. We got home at 2:30am and I walked into your room. There you were sleeping, booty in the air. It took everything in me not to pick you up. I rubbed your head and went to bed. Early the next morning I heard you talking to yourself in your room. I was so excited to go get you I didn’t care that I only got 4 hours of sleep. I walked in and you looked at me like, “Mama is it really you.” Then your toothy grin appeared and I scooped you up. It felt so good to hold you after not holding you for a whole week. It has now been 59 days since I’ve held you…
My arms feel so empty with out you. I wish I could lay in my bed and hear you in your room. COME BACK HADDIE….please.
These are 5 days before you passed…