Haddie Bo Bo,

This time next week I will have lived through your 1st birthday.  I had started planning your birthday before you had even past away.  I have a lot of anxiety when I think about your birthday.  There will be no 1 year pictures.  There will be no highly anticipated cake smash.  Your 1st birthday will be much different than I had planned in my head.  
No mother should have to figure out how to honor their daughter on her first birthday because she passed away.  But here I am planning a day that celebrates you,  because you deserve it.  Because you are still part of our family forever.  I don’t know how I will feel on that day.  I can imagine not wanting to get out of bed.  I foresee many tears and conversations that start with, “We should be…” Or, “Remember when…”  Although your life was short it was so meaningful and full. As much as I hate to admit it you did fulfill your purpose here on earth.  Of course I will always say you were taken too soon and you were robbed of a long happy life. 
I bought a book from a lady who has also lost a child.  It’s called, “You are the mother of all mothers”.  

This is a quote from the book and I feel like it sums up how I feel about planning your birthday party.  I am and always will be your mother and its part of my identity.  Figuring out how to still be your mother while you aren’t here is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I feel like that has been taken from me and I get mad when I think about it.  It’s easy to know what to do for a child who is here.  How do you take care of a child that doesn’t need me anymore?

Haddie I went to a play date today with some sweet friends from high school.  They got me a beautiful necklace with your name on it and Eloise’s name.  It also has two crystals that represent the two babies I miscarried.  I felt so loved.  It is always a good feeling when people remember you.  Because I am constantly remembering you.

I love you sweet baby.  You are always in my mind and in my heart.