Birthday Party Anxiety

Haddie Bo Bo,

This time next week I will have lived through your 1st birthday. I had started planning your birthday before you had even past away. I have a lot of anxiety when I think about your birthday. There will be no 1 year pictures. There will be no highly anticipated cake smash. Your 1st birthday will be much different than I had planned in my head.

No mother should have to figure out how to honor their daughter on her first birthday because she passed away. But here I am planning a day that celebrates you, because you deserve it. Because you are still part of our family forever. I don’t know how I will feel on that day. I can imagine not wanting to get out of bed. I foresee many tears and conversations that start with, “We should be…” Or, “Remember when…” Although your life was short it was so meaningful and full. As much as I hate to admit it you did fulfill your purpose here on earth. Of course I will always say you were taken too soon and you were robbed of a long happy life.

I bought a book from a lady who has also lost a child. It’s called, “You are the mother of all mothers”.

This is a quote from the book and I feel like it sums up how I feel about planning your birthday party. I am and always will be your mother and its part of my identity. Figuring out how to still be your mother while you aren’t here is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I feel like that has been taken from me and I get mad when I think about it. It’s easy to know what to do for a child who is here. How do you take care of a child that doesn’t need me anymore?

Haddie I went to a play date today with some sweet friends from high school. They got me a beautiful necklace with your name on it and Eloise’s name. It also has two crystals that represent the two babies I miscarried. I felt so loved. It is always a good feeling when people remember you. Because I am constantly remembering you.