Haddie Bo Bo,
I would have done anything, Haddie. I would have chosen anything else than this. I wouldn’t think twice about sacrificing myself if I had been given the option. Whether that means me instead of you, or a different type of life altering tragedy. You did not deserve this, you were helpless. You depended on others completely for your care and safety. It is easy to say that I would take on any other tragedy because I have experienced the tragedy of losing you. Of hearing those life shattering words, “Your daughter has passed.”
Tomorrow I am attending a Bereaved Mom’s Retreat put on by Starlight Ministries. A friend signed me up with my permission. This friend has also experienced the loss of a child. I have many different feelings about attending this event. I am nervous because I don’t know what to expect. Most of all I feel pissed that I fall into a category of “Bereaved Mom’s”. Why does this apply to me? Again I find myself in this club that I never ever wanted to be in. With that being said the club that I am in does offer so much support and love and understanding. Some day down the road I might be that Mom offering support to a new member of the club. Although I hope and pray that I never have to do that….odds are that I will.
Day 3 of potty training has proven successful. We have had no accidents and we even went on an excursion to South Haven. It is definitely a different experience carrying around a potty with you everywhere you go. We have no shame. Is it to early to say that I think this is it?! I think we are out of diapers. Which when I think about it I should still be buying diapers for you. I would gladly go broke buying you diapers baby girl. You will always be 9 months old and my precious Bo Bo. Now with every new thing I experience with Elo comes the thought that I will never experience it with you.
For most of my life I have had this strong faith in God. I would still say that is true. But sometimes I find myself wondering are you really in heaven, Haddie? Do I really believe that? Or is this something we tell ourselves to make us feel better about life? Am I a bad Christ Follower because I question that? And even sometimes doubt that? Losing you has really changed somethings. I still pray. I know in my heart that God is real and loves me. But I am mad…MAD. It’s weird to be mad at God but still look to Him for comfort. I saw a post on facebook the other day of a family. I know that a picture on facebook doesn’t always tell the whole story. The caption on the photo was, “God is Good”. Reading that I felt cynical. It’s so easy to say “God is good” when things are perfect or going well. It’s hard to say “God is good” when your child is gone. I do not fault this person for saying that and I am not trying to make anyone feel bad for posting whatever they post. So please know that is not my intention. It’s more about me and where I am at not about the picture and the comment. Living my life right now saying “God is good” is hard. But I know in my heart I believe it, but because I am mad I am not going to say it. Because I am stubborn. Because I am not ready. Because My God can handle my anger. Because I believe He grieves with me so He is mad too.
I have said it before, but I thought my miscarriages would be our greatest tragedy of our lives. I know this is a horrible thought so I shouldn’t say it out loud, but anyone who knows me knows I say what I think 110% of the time. But when you died, Haddie, I couldn’t help but think really…can’t it get spread out a little bit? Don’t get me wrong I would never wish this on anyone else. But yes I am saying it, “Why me God?” If I sound like I am whining, I am. Why give us this beautiful baby girl who is sweet beyond words to take her away 9 months later? I know that there are people out there who have a much worse story than mine. But mine still hurts too and I think that it’s ok if I have a whiny-woe’s me day.
I love you baby….