I got to hold you today.

Haddie Bo Bo,

A few months after you passed away I learn about a non-profit called Molly Bears. They make special teddy bears that are the exact weight of your baby that passed away up to 14 lbs. I immediately signed up to get a bear, but there was a 5 month waiting list. When you past you were over the 14 lbs mark so I chose my bear to be made 8 lbs 6 oz which is how much you weighed when you were born. I told them your color was a pretty beachy-teal-turquise-ish blue.

So here I am 5 or so months later and I get a package delivered to my door. It was my Molly bear that I had ordered months ago. As soon as I picked the package up off my porch I was already starting to cry. Today is also the day that you turned 20 months. 20 months…I try so hard to picture what you would look like. I pretend to hear your voice and wonder what words you would be saying. But honestly I can’t, and I HATE that, despise it really. Well today on your birthday I got to hold you again and it was a gift. I pulled my bear out of the box and held it on my chest like I did the day you were born. I carried the bear around the kitchen like I did when I brought you home from the hospital. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel crazy most of the time. Crazy is my new normal. But it was so nice to hold you on a day that we remember your birth.

Molly Bears decorates your bear with some simple descriptions that you offer. But the only thing I said was your color. So my bear arrived with a pretty rose bow on her head. It is very similar, if not the same, to the bow that you wore when you were born in the hospital.

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