Haddie Bo BO,

I continue down this road of firsts…

Today I went grocery shopping for the first time.  It was just Elo and me and it seemed like such a daunting task.  First, because I hate grocery shopping.  I feel like I always spend way too much money and I always seem to forget to buy something.  Second, because I would usually take you with me.  Sometimes I would take you and your sister and that always turned into a stressful situation.  Mostly, Elo stayed home with Daddy and you were my shopping buddy.  You always did so great sitting like a big girl in the top of the cart.  Of course everyone loved to see you smile and always commented on how cute you were.  I did find it annoying that if you weren’t clearly dressed in girl clothes people thought you were a boy.  What says boy about your face????  Anyway, grocery shopping today was easy we even returned cans.  It was so easy that I hated it.  I wish you were there so I could juggle the chaos of keeping two kids happy in the grocery store, and finding a place to put the groceries in the cart.  I miss going in the baby aisles for diapers, wipes, and baby food.  I only saw one person I knew at the grocery store I wasn’t prepared to talk so I turned down the underwear aisle.  I also think it’s strange that when you make eye contact with someone you give the polite smile and they usual smile back.  Sometimes I think of it as a game; trying to make the grumpiest looking person smile back at you.  So even though today I didn’t  feel like smiling at people I did.  The one person who refused to smile back really bothered me.  If I can make the effort smile at you ,when my daughter is not here anymore, than you can smile back.  But maybe they are experiencing the same kind of loss and I should give them a break. 

Another first…I caught myself singing along with the radio.  This has absolutely not happened since you have been gone.  It wasn’t the whole song, just a line.  What does this mean? When I realized it happen I stopped and I wasn’t sure what to think.  I am actually too scared to write what I was thinking because it might be true or people might think it’s true.  If people see me laugh they say, “She seems to be handling it well.”  Or “She is doing better.”  Let me be clear Haddie, yes I do laugh and smile, but my world is still shattered. No I don’t cry 97% of my days anymore.  But your still the first thing I think about and the last thing.  

I find myself talking like this a lot.  Before Haddie passed, blah blah blah.  Or since Haddie has passed blah blah blah.  I really really do not like the after.  
I had my first dream about you that wasn’t a nightmare.  You were happy and smiling and I picked you up.  I didn’t remember the dream right away this morning.  But when I did I felt joy and sadness and I cried.  I love you baby.  Thank you for the good dream.  
Love,
Mama