Dear Haddie Bo Bo,

 

Inhale, exhale, inhale exhale….

 

Thump, Thump, Thump.

 

I breathe without thought.  My heart beats without effort.  

 

I remember a time that each breath was hard.  My heart hurt with each thump.  It took effort to continue.  It was a choice.  I had wished it would stop. Being alive hurt.  

 

Today I breathe and it doesn’t hurt with every breath.  But sometimes I’m back there.   Today was one of those days. 

 

Work was slow today.  I decided to clean out my email.  As I dug deeper and deeper I found memories or maybe memories found me.  I kept clicking…

 

Emails about death certificates, FOIA requests, videos, pictures, and sympathies.  I saved them all. 

 

Emails from our Funeral Director sending your hand prints and foot prints.  An email telling me that you were cremated last night at 6:39 PM (6-8-2015).  Emails from my job about your life insurance.  Emails from lawyers. 

 

But what really got me back to that place today was an email from Aunt Elle Belle.  She would watch your sister for me.  She sent me these conversations:

 

While I was helping her ride a bike, Elo says to me…

Elo: “Mommy and Daddy are sad.”

Me: “why are we they sad?”

Elo: “because of Haddie.”

Me: “Are you sad?”

Elo: “I’m not sad. I’m happy!”

Me: “Why are you happy?”

Elo: “because she liked me.”

 

While I was pushing her on the swing…

Elo: “Mommy and Daddy are sad.”

Me: “Why are they sad?”

Elo: “because of Haddie. I sad too. I cry in my bed (starts to fake cry)”

Me: “Where is Haddie?”

Elo: “Up there (pointing up to the sky)”

Me: “Oh yes, she’s up there with Jesus.”

Elo: “It’s too bright, I can’t see Haddie without my sunglasses. I need my glasses to see Haddie.”

 

Me: “What do you think Haddie is doing with Jesus?”

Elo: “play.”

Me: “She’s playing with Jesus? Do you think he’s tickling her? (I tickle Elo) Did you tickle Haddie?”

Elo: “Haddie bite me. (Holds her arm)

 

Her little sweet mind trying to process everything broke me.  She deserved better than a mom and dad who were sad all the time.  She deserved so much more than we could give her during that time.  I am so thankful for the people who stepped in and loved her, took care of her, and provided normalcy when we couldn’t.  

 

I remember 10 years ago I never thought I would survive. I never thought I could experience true happiness.  But I would see people who had lost a child and they seemed “normal”.  I knew that one day I would be that person that seems normal.  I hated to even think of that.  That it would be doing you a disservice. I would be betraying you.  I know that people look at me and think I am normal.  Can I breathe easier?  On most days…yes I can.  But I feel anything but normal.  I now know those people that seemed normal were not.  I still feel in every ounce of being that living this life without you is torture.  It’s cruel.  I think about you everyday, several times a day.  I dream about what our family could have been.  

 

I will miss you until I take my last breath.

Love,

Mama

Elo and Haddie Sisters forever