Haddie Bo Bo,
I know it’s been such a long time since I have wrote you a letter. I wish I could tell you there are all these reasons why. But really it’s because I feel like I would be saying the same things that I have already said.
The truth is that I have run out of words…and there really are NO WORDS. There is only indescribable feelings. No one wants to continue to hear me say the same things year after year. But it’s the truth in many ways. Sure we experience new things. Eloise and Fitz grow and we are doing ALL the things. Our calendar is full of sports, play dates, vacations, and making memories as a family. But when it comes down to what I feel in my heart and what I wanted for my life, for my family….THIS wasn’t it.
I have moments and sometimes long spans of time where I am close to content. My heart is almost at rest.
Yesterday was just a really hard day. Your daddy did try everything to make it better for me. He tried hard to understand and “fix” it. He wanted to talk about it and hear me. But the harder he tried the more upsetting it was…because your Daddy the fixer, who can fix ANYTHING can’t fix this.
I can’t explain these feelings…of my world not being right, wanting to scream, being unhappy when you know you have blessings, being helpless, having no fix for this. Wanting more but never being able to get it. Constantly searching for something you can’t find, that doesn’t exist. Questioning everything you have ever believed in. Being scared to dream. Being scared to let go. Being uncomfortable in my skin is not something I am used to. Feeling restless. Wanting to conquer the world in your memory….but then wanting to hide in my bed all day.
You make me feel like I can do anything Haddie. My love for you. My passion for the life you didn’t get to live. What was stolen from your siblings. The childhood they didn’t get to live with you. The memories they didn’t get to make. Eloise said to me just this weekend, “Mom I don’t remember Haddie that well.” I could tell she felt guilty. It’s cruel that my sweet 8 year old knows this kind of loss.
But I know that I feel this way now because we love you so much. If we didn’t it wouldn’t hurt this much.
I did a thing. Now I can see your face everyday always. Just like Eloise and Fitz.
Sorry for my ramblings that probably don’t make a lot of sense. I just needed to get them out.
NO words to describe my love for you.